Misogynist Report

Men are better than women; everyone knows that.

We learnt it at school, and are reminded of it every day.

Our former financial advisor knew it. He addressed every answer to me, even when my wife had asked the question. He knew from years of experience that women know nothing about money and that he should only speak to the man of the house. Even this woman, who worked in financial services and was the primary breadwinner, clearly wouldn’t understand sophisticated domestic financial concepts and was best ignored. Financial affairs are serious business. He knew to ignore our complaints. What did we know? What was the point of acknowledging the woman in the room?

And when he was fired for ignoring his female client, he knew to send the termination letter to her husband. It wouldn’t be good form to mess her pretty little head with such unseemly correspondence.

A common complaint of women nowadays is that when they make a good point in a meeting, no one reacts. The conversation moves on. Then, five minutes later, a man repeats the same thing, and suddenly, it’s brilliant. Women get upset about this, but shouldn’t they be pleased that their point has been picked up? Does it matter that the man gets all the credit and they’ve been completely ignored? No need to get all hysterical about it.

Women need to learn to control their emotions. One study – Can an Angry Woman Get Ahead? – found that men who became angry are rewarded in the workplace, whereas angry women are seen as incompetent and unworthy of power.

Women want a place at the top table. 11% of CEO at the top 50 companies in the UK are women. 11%!!! I know, it’s a lot, isn’t it? Given that a woman’s place is the home, how come so many of them are invading the boardroom? Are women capable of leading? Could they ever compare with the great male leaders of our time? Trump. Putin. Kim Jong Un. Hitler even. Stalin.

And, would you believe it, they want to be paid as much as men. They already earn 87p for every £1 a man earns. Unbelievable. Men have had their noses to the grindstone for centuries, while women have been doing little more than watching daytime TV and having a natter with their friends. And now they swan into the office and think they should be paid as much as a man for doing the same job. How can they possibly justify that?

It’s even worse in tennis, where they get paid the same as men for doing less. Equal prize money despite only having to play three-set matches, while men have to slog away for five sets. How on earth did they pull that one off? This week, I saw Ben Shelton put everything into a three-hour endurance test of a match, while Iga Switek swatted away her opponent in little more than an hour. And they both received exactly the same prize money for their efforts, £240,000. (Not bad for an hour’s work.) Worse than that, though, Shelton also had to contend with a female umpire, while Switek had a male umpire who knew what he was doing.

Women do go on a lot. That’s why men have to interrupt them all the time. One study noted seven interruptions in ten separate conversations between two men compared to forty-eight between a woman and a man. Forty-six of these involved the man interrupting the woman. What can we conclude from this? It’s obvious. Women speak a load of nonsense and need to be corrected all the time.

Some of you, maybe 50%, may think this post isn’t funny, that misogyny is no laughing matter. That’ll be because, as every misogynist knows, women don’t have a sense of humour. Research has, after all, proved that 63% of men are funnier than the average woman.

The Good Humorist knows differently. He knows women are three times more likely to give their phone number to a man who tells jokes than to one who doesn’t. He knows that research has shown that humorous men are considered more attractive, intelligent, funny and sociable. Women tend to look for a sense of humour in a partner as it is "strongly correlated with intelligence".

This is the ‘raison d’être’ of The Good Humorist.

Whether ironic humour about misogyny works in the same way remains to be seen. A rather worrying study has revealed that while men tend to associate irony with joy and regard those who use it positively, women tend to associate it with anger and sadness and view users negatively.

And God forbid that people miss the irony in this post altogether and take it literally. Wouldn’t that be ironic?